Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
