I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize