My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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