I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
