Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
