Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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