I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
