Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Houston, we have a blender
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
