Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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