I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
