The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
