So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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