There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
