Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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