just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
