The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
