Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
