sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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