can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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