if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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