I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Who wears a wallet chain?!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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