It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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