she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
