Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
