theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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