Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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