just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
