you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
