Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
