apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
