a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
