in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
