i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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