sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
