I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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