my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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