The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize