I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
