Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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