New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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