Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
