Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
