apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize