It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
