I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's always time for handjobs
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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