i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
