Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dignity is for republicans.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
