Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
