new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
