I feel like abortions should bother me more
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
