I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize