He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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