Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it's like iHOP with fire
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
