I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
