Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
