fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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