Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Randomize
